New Year's thoughts

Time is running out this year and I am giving some thought to what I have learned this year and what I still have to learn. This has been a very long year and I am glad to have it come to a close. When I think back over the turmoil of this year and all of the anxiety and chaos that have been steady companions of my life, I am happy that I just survived without having a real breakdown.

One of the constant companions of this year has been guerilla attacks from depression and despair. I have come to dread their attacks and sometimes worry that I do not have the energy or strength to hold them at bay. At those times, an old saying comes to me about surviving when your being is under attack-- when you get to the end of your rope; you tie a knot and hold on. I have a new version of that slogan. When you get to the end or your rope, tie a knot in your faith rope and hold on for all you are worth. In fact, you can tie multiple knots in your faith rope and hold on to as many of those knots that you can get your hands on, depression and despair are not what you want as constant companions in anything that you try to define as life. When they are present even in small quantities, you don’t have life; you have a recipe for a struggle that will eat at the very fabric of your being.

I have learned that I do not like being blind and having to depend on so many people other than myself to get through life. There are times when I found myself shouting out to an empty room that I hated being blind. I still find myself doing that when the constant blackness becomes almost overwhelming. There is no let up in the blackness and it sometimes feels like I am being smothered in the darkness, there is no dawn to chase back the constant shadows, so I have to find something in myself to confront the feelings that constant darkness seems to invite to move in as a permanent resident and not just as a passing guest. When this first happened to me , I was told that the passing of time would make things better; they are no better, you just learn to live with what tune is being played, you get no extra credit for sitting on the edge of the room when everyone else is dancing. All you get out of that approach is turning yourself into a wallflower and all wallflowers do is just sit around hoping to get potted. That doesn’t work either.

I will plan my work for the coming year and also work my plan to improve as much as I can where I can with reasonable expectations for success. I will use every resource at my disposal to keep from being turned into a defeated, bitter, whining old man. If that is allowed to happen, then everyone is punished by my blindness. To have blindness of the eyes grow into blindness of the soul will be a sickness that has no cure and is deadly in a way that contaminates all those it touches. So here is to ending the old year with a smile in spite of everything and romping out to meet the new year with a Pepsodent smile that comes not from toothpaste, but from a faith that says there is someone looking out for the likes of you and me.